Evangelion, Learning, & Moving

April 11, 2023

i’ve been really struggling to articulate my thoughts lately, so i’m hoping that some late night blogging can get my brain unstuck.

i’ve been rewatching the evangelion anime and forgot it’s like…good? i think its legacy is so complicated and i’ve grown so used to eye-rolling at eva fans i forgot how compelling the plot beats and characters are. so that’s been fun. it’s been nice languishing in 90s anime. the moody soundtracks and color grading often felt so intimate and pensive in a way i think has become less popular over time (not to sound like an anime hipster).

i haven’t watched any of the rebuild movies in like a decade, but i do want to watch those next. i think i still have the first 2 on blu ray lmao, but i hardly remember what happened. i;m sort of walking in with a bias that i won’t like the rebuild movies as much, but i want to give them a fair chance.

anyways, i find myself a lot more interested in the adult characters now that i am an adult, and it feels like uncovering a whole new layer to the show i wasn’t able to appreciate as a child. the misato/kaiji/ritsuko dynamic is especially interesting, and ritsuko in general has caught my attention a lot more than she did before. she just seems so profoundly isolated and the trajectory of her life is so tragic but understandable and even predictable. and i think a lot of people know what it’s like to devote everything you have to someone, only to realize you’re replaceable to them. that you’ve twisted and broken and destroyed yourself for someone who would betray you at the drop of a hat. (i could have fixed her btw). it’s just really engaging to me and she’s not even one of our primary characters.

in between all that, i’ve been trying (and failing) to get back into bullet journalling because i feel like my life has been a bit of a mess lately. it’s been so hard to adjust to a life without the structure of school. part of me wants to say fuck it and go to grad school, part of me fears that’s just my way of running away to hide in a warm familiar coccoon. (whoa it’s just like eva fr..) it’s funny because school always brings out the worst in me and makes me unstable, but i don’t know how to exist without it. comfortable chaos.

i’ve also been trying to learn javascript, which is extremely frightening to me! i have a bad habit of building things up in my head to be unattainable and giving up before i begin. i don’t like doing things i’m not good at. it makes me feel stupid. which is a feeling i dislike. but i’m sick of the mysticism surrounding javascript.

and it’s already paying off actually. like i fixed the gallery filter and half of it was just not being so scared of modifying the javascript. and i fixed a lot of muuri issues i was having (the grid now resizes after it loads so elements don’t overlap). so onwards and upwards! maybe i will finally fix up the theme code (a friend very kindly wrote it for me) and release it? i get asked a lot about the theme switching, but i still need to (1) resolve the flash of default theme color on page load and (2) create a smoother transition when themes are toggled. (also trying to learn SASS because i actually do understand CSS which makes me feel a little less stupid LMAO.)

anyways, i’m still moving. it’s been 1 billion trillion years and becomes increasingly unserious but it’s just hard okay. i’m so fatigued all the time and don’t have money for movers so there’s a ton of DIY’ing that has happened and still needs to happen. i should start taking some vitamin D supplements or something. i have POTS, which a lot of doctors treat as a non-issue, but god i’m soo tired all the time it sure feels like an issue. and then i check my pulse and it’s like 140 BPM for no reason.

i’m also moving to a much smaller place in a rural town and…ok actually i forgot where i was going with this. gonna just go to bed, my brain is fried. no. scrambled. eggs. idk it’s 4AM. did i mention my sleep schedule was fixed for two (2) days. then daylight savings happened and it was over.

well anyways here is a post for your trouble.

A Twitter screencap.
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